update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
