John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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