her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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