Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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