his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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