good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
