Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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