so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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