I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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