So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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