'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
