we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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