She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my being single is dangerous.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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