I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
