I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
