I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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