I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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