Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize