DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
