Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
