I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
