they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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