she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
