She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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