I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize