He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
