member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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