This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
