So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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