dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
