when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
