i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
