I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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