i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
