i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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