I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
