everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
