so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize