More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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