I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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