he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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