margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
