Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
