I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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