i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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