Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize