so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
