apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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