so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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