someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
