how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
