I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
