Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
love makes seman taste better
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
