why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
