I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
