How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
